Wow. Amazing wedding. And such a sad, shocking story. When you wrote that you hadn't noticed the best man wasn't there....that seemed a clue, perhaps, to your marriage? i don't know. I don't feel right commenting. But this was really amazing and i thank you for posting.
Eleanor sorry to ask this but this is my second reading and I don't quite understand the end, what changed?: "And I remember thinking you should have told me first. I knew then it was over before we’d begun. I know now what shock does."
This is a good question. I'll try and explain. I went into it knowing I should never have said yes in the first place, so really I was hanging on to an image of us together that didn't allow for any cracks. When he told the group without telling me first, I felt as if it was the first test of our marriage, our togetherness, a test he failed. In other words, he was still behaving as if I was on the outside of his intimacy, he was still solo, instead of on the inside where we decided things together, as one. But the truth is, looking back, that I was looking for any reason why this wouldn't work, and his choice in that moment seemed a good enough one to me. In my young, inexperienced head, it was over before it had begun. Our marriage had changed nothing, he still treated me like he treated everyone else.
What a terrible terrible thing. You don’t realise you’re in shock until you look back, often years later, and go ‘what the fuck!?’ Shock is meant to protect us from pain, which makes sense in the case of physical trauma. but emotionally it robs us of the dignity of responding adequately to disaster, leaving us to wander like sleepwalkers, only half alive, stuck in a karmic loop.
Really happy to read comments, hear responses, and thank you for yours. Yes, it was a clue.
Wow. Amazing wedding. And such a sad, shocking story. When you wrote that you hadn't noticed the best man wasn't there....that seemed a clue, perhaps, to your marriage? i don't know. I don't feel right commenting. But this was really amazing and i thank you for posting.
Eleanor sorry to ask this but this is my second reading and I don't quite understand the end, what changed?: "And I remember thinking you should have told me first. I knew then it was over before we’d begun. I know now what shock does."
This is a good question. I'll try and explain. I went into it knowing I should never have said yes in the first place, so really I was hanging on to an image of us together that didn't allow for any cracks. When he told the group without telling me first, I felt as if it was the first test of our marriage, our togetherness, a test he failed. In other words, he was still behaving as if I was on the outside of his intimacy, he was still solo, instead of on the inside where we decided things together, as one. But the truth is, looking back, that I was looking for any reason why this wouldn't work, and his choice in that moment seemed a good enough one to me. In my young, inexperienced head, it was over before it had begun. Our marriage had changed nothing, he still treated me like he treated everyone else.
Thank you, and I'm sorry.
What a terrible terrible thing. You don’t realise you’re in shock until you look back, often years later, and go ‘what the fuck!?’ Shock is meant to protect us from pain, which makes sense in the case of physical trauma. but emotionally it robs us of the dignity of responding adequately to disaster, leaving us to wander like sleepwalkers, only half alive, stuck in a karmic loop.
Yes, this. Nicely put.
There was too much to take in about the wedding already - I remember it so well. We were all in overwhelm.
😭😭😭
It was terrible. I've been watching the film of that day and it just kills me.