I didn’t know what I was going to write about today but it wasn’t this. A friend just messaged with some terrible news. It’s too soon to talk about it, but I will talk about the other times it’s happened to people close to me: a friend’s son who took his life when he was only nineteen, and another close friend who’d been unravelled by a Get Well Quick weekend workshop of the kind that would be hauled up for malpractice if the system was regulated which it isn’t. I didn’t see it coming those times either. I suppose one never does, or rarely; those who really want to die do it quietly, with intent. They don’t tell anyone. They don’t let anyone talk them out of it. I have another friend who’s often got his feet over the ledge. I say to him, do me a favour, if you want to die, fine, but sweet Jesus let me know. I promise I won’t talk you out of it. It’s the shock that kills. It’s the shock that kills, not the person who’s jumped or tied or cut or swallowed, they’ve already chosen their way out, but for the rest of us it’s a nail bomb going off in our lives, we’re not prepared, we haven’t a chance to seek shelter. It’s a rip in the fabric of time and space, it cannot be mended. I’ve been in the place where it seems impossible to go on. I know how calm and convincing the eye of that storm is. I’m clear that no one jumps or ties or cuts or swallows in order to cause more pain, it’s the god damn pain they want to stop. But consider this, if you’re considering it, there’s no guarantee it will stop on the other side of that door and I can guarantee if you don’t let us know it won’t for those around you, who love you, who wish beyond heaven that you’d come back. Your pain is terrible but I don’t mind. I’d stand beside you a thousand times over rather than wish you gone. Do you remember that scene in Touching The Void when he’s fallen on the ledge, his leg broken, the rope cut? Below him the chasm drops into blackness and he realises two things: one, if he stays on the ledge he’ll die, and two, if he goes down further he might live. It was the knowledge of that choice which saved him.
Discussion about this post
No posts
I admire your bravery for sharing these thoughts. Exactly what needs to be discussed more often in good times and bad. Let light into the darkness.
The most heartbreaking and shocking news .So sad to hear it ! I hope their pain is gone .No more words .