Relationships, right? So difficult, so complicated, so necessary to growth. Note I don’t say happiness there – I nearly did, my hand hovered and then the full stop hit instead. I’m not sure they’re necessary for my happiness, and I’m talking romantic relationships here, the classic two-person bond of sex and intimacy. Friendships, absolutely vital but I was on my own for seven years and by the end, not knowing it was the end, I was happy. I remember thinking, if this is it, then that’s okay. It’s not like I haven’t been round the block a thousand times, it’s not like I haven’t tried everything, and I was good, not looking, not searching at all and then wham, an old friend out of nowhere and a lunch and a truth I’d had no idea of. Let me back pedal a little, an old friend – and to be clear, this is my ManPerson but at the time just an old friend, with whom I’d started exchanging email letters over a winter six years ago, my favourite thing, to have my brain tickled. I found myself looking for the reply, reading it quickly and taking my time to answer so that the pleasure of ball-in-my-court would be prolonged. I found myself having feelings – god forbid, and it was shocking. But still, just friends until the lunch when he told me he’d loved me for seventeen years, expecting nothing, actually expecting me to rebuff and say yeah all right that’s sweet but anyway and his shock, almost appalled when I didn’t, when I said actually I’ve got feelings for you too. Six years of the kind of ride you wouldn’t send your kids on. Tempestuous, fraught, how we fought to stay together and failed many times and many times got back on the ride, always this golden thread between us, making us not ready to give in. And then recently a calm we have won, a different set of challenges, the steady, wide stream of a river in flow. We are utterly different, I have to stretch myself to meet his needs even halfway, and he likewise and that’s where the growth comes in because I have become kinder, nicer, more fun and he has become braver, stronger, more disciplined. We’ve shared our qualities with each other. But still, relationships, right? Two adults with opposing inner-childs, a need for attention, a need to be left alone, a constant flux, we are in it for the growth. We always agree on that.
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In it for the growth. Love that.
I find your writing just so poignant (not sure if that's the right word) and moving. So raw and soft. Thank you!