I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again because it goes to the heart of the matter. To be human is to be vulnerable. If being vulnerable is too much, being not human is the answer. That was the solution a part of me came up with. We will be not human, and we will be safe. Imagine a parent with its hand over the mouth of a child, keeping it quiet so that invaders won’t hear where they’re hiding. If the child makes a sound, they’re dead. This part of me said don’t show fear, don’t have feelings, don’t give away any sign that we’re alive and made of flesh. It’s too dangerous. It was a brilliant answer to the problem, and it worked, I stepped outside of myself for a long, long time, and for a long, long time I wasn’t really here. I was superhuman, I could do anything, nothing could touch me, I didn’t care. But what I didn’t realise was this. To be human is to be vulnerable to mistakes, dropping something, hurting someone, getting this life wrong. The part of me with its hand over my mouth says no, shh, you’re giving us away. In its beasting, it believes it’s protecting me. Have you read Internal Family Systems by Richard C Schwartz? This is what I’m talking about. The universal commitment to survive, and the solutions that parts come up, persisting long after the danger has passed. There’s a part of me that - this is the starting point phrase. There’s a part of me that beats me up for things I did years ago and yesterday because those episodes, so human in their everyday flaws, give away my whereabouts. I hurt and I make a sound. To make friends with the part that beasts me, to understand its actions, to tell it that it’s done a great job, and it can rest now, to ask it what it wants and what it needs to put the stick down, these are the forward movements of integration. When I wrote that line yesterday, I don’t know where I learnt it I knew it wasn’t true as I read it over, but kept it in because it felt right, and realised the instant I pressed publish it was because I would write about this today. We’re getting close to the end of The Recovery Diaries. We’re getting to the heart of the matter.
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gosh darn it mum, coming to the end so soon?
you still have to get that brand deal with nestle and weetabix
dont give up yet, just yap about some life advice you heard some old lady mumble when you were a teenage
xx jacobi
“There’s a part of me that beats me up for things I did years ago and yesterday because those episodes, so human in their every day flaws, give away my whereabouts. I hurt and I make a sound.” Painfully and universally true.