22nd April

The Obsessive Diary

I took mushrooms by mistake yesterday. Anyone who’s been reading this diary lately will know I’ve been in a bit of a pickle, which is English-speak for totally fucked up in terms of my grip on this life and what it’s all about. I’ve been hurled out of balance, disassociated, confused and unfit to rule; Andy has been sailing the ship while I have been lost and far out to sea. He and I have been going through our own troubles and at such times we redraw boundaries and retreat behind them, create space, lean on our thirty year friendship. It’s allowed all my stuff to bloom, fill the room, be distinct from anything that might be to do with him. This stuff is mine. He hasn’t caused it.

So yesterday I made my usual early morning coffee and from the fridge took a jar that held the last of the homemade macrodosing mixture that I’ve been using for 3 days out of every 7 for the past few years to keep the lights on upstairs. I’d washed out the jar in warm water so as not to waste a drop. In this liquid state it was hard to judge measurements. I figured the final scoop couldn’t be that strong.

Famous last words.